A Letter to My Past Self

 

Dear 2018 Brad,

I am writing to you from June 13, 2021, exactly three years in the future. Although I know we both believe the mystery of life is also part of its beauty, I thought you could use a little guidance to get you through the next few years.

Let me first share some insight about the bird in your gutter on your front porch. I know you think you have won the battle of boy versus bird. You’re wrong. The barrier you thought was impenetrable really just provided a cozy cottage for a family of pigeons. How did they get in? Well, that’s still a bit of a mystery. I know… I know… You tried putting up a screen on the gutter and they just built their nest over it. You added aluminum foil to scare them away and they just made that part of their nest. Those spikes you added didn’t deter them, and that fake owl you put up there didn’t fool anyone. And, let’s face it, your first attempt at screening off their little area was flawed from the beginning. (Of course they're going to sneak in from the other direction that isn’t sealed!) But, I admit your latest attempt seemed like a formidable fortress that could hold back even Daenerys Targaryen’s dragons. (I knew you would like the Game of Thrones analogy, but, FYI, that reference doesn’t work as well in current time.)

Here’s some other advice from the future: You also might as well stop watering your Serbian Spruce trees in your backyard. They’re going to die anyway. Then again, maybe I watered them too much causing them to drown. So, let those prickly pines roast in the sun. Who knows, maybe that’s what they need.

As far as the other million thoughts in your head and plans you have for the coming weeks, I wouldn’t spend too much time stewing over them. The projects and personnel issues at work causing you stress will work themselves out. Unfortunately, you aren’t going to be able to see Google’s Denver office next week because you are going to end up sending someone to fill in for you. I also know you feel like the only time you see Tonya is when you are crossing each other on the road shuttling girls to their events, but even those moments on the road will feel precious in the coming days.

I know that life is hectic, but all these things that seem so significant will suddenly feel very small and all those things that feel like burdens will soon feel like gifts. Here’s the hard truth: Your self-diagnosed ulcer in your stomach that you're going to have scoped tomorrow isn’t an ulcer. The thought you won’t allow to settle in your mind is true. It’s cancer. And, it’s far worse than you even feared. It appears to have already metastasized throughout your body. Dr. Rex will share the bleak news, but I wanted you to have a moment alone to process having the “C word” label attached to your name.

There is nothing else I can say to prepare you for tomorrow or the days to come; however, I will remind you of the essential ingredients to living a joyful and purposeful life, which will also help you face the challenges ahead:

1. Laugh
   You will be faced with some very difficult decisions and be forced to have some sobering conversations with the girls. You will be poked with needles and sliced with scalpels. Chemo sucks, and cancer doesn’t make for a lot of great punchlines. And yet, despite all the stress and suffering, life will still bring you moments of satire and silliness. The little things - forming a Conga line with Bailor, traveling the backroads of Ferdinand with Kahuna and Jill, hearing your friends casually call the disease “Cat Sores” (because you are too scared to use the C word) will not only bring you laughter, but will bring you purpose, perspective, and hope.
   
   So, take that moment to grieve, to be angry, to be scared, and above all to be honest with yourself. But, don’t lose sight of the humor in life. I know you hate your nerdy laugh that sounds like the screech of a hyena and cry of a donkey combined. But, the world needs more laughs. The world needs your laugh. So, use your time to remember and rejoice at the moments of playing Shit Purse as a child and create new moments (like squirting your girls with water on the last day of school) because - even if it’s only temporary relief - laughter truly is the best medicine sometimes.
   
   
2. Learn
   A lot of people will become increasingly skeptical in the coming years. Skeptical of our government (even our election results). Skeptical of science (even during a pandemic). Skeptical of each other (even family and friends). I’ve come to realize there are two types of skepticism: experimentally skeptical versus rigidly skeptical. One is productive. One is not.
   
   Being experimentally skeptical requires one to test their ideas and existing knowledge against new ideas and information. New arguments supported by evidence and backed by sound reasoning either causes us to further lean into our position or causes us to rethink our own ideas. In an experimentally skeptical mind, nothing is fully settled. We watch the tug-of-war of ideas pull against each other and allow our minds to nudge with the arguments with the most strength. Although we may never reach 100% certainty on any topic, we become increasingly confident of an idea the further the red marker in the middle is pulled in one direction. Being experimentally skeptical makes us curious. Curiosity leads to learning, to understanding, to appreciation, to growth, to innovation, to truth.
   
   Being rigidly skeptical is the opposite. Those who are rigidly skeptical reject new ideas and new information that doesn’t reinforce the position they already hold. Everything is already settled. Opinions quickly morph into indisputable truths. Little will cause the rigidly skeptical person to change their mind. They are 100% certain. They watch a tug-of-war of ideas cheering only for one side and walk away convinced that if the red marker doesn’t go in the direction of their side, the other side must have cheated. Being rigidly skeptical makes us cynical. Cynicalism leads to ignorance, to denial, to stagnation, to hatred, to lies.
   
   You and the world will hear a lot of advice and claims in the coming years: eat a certain type of dog food to cure your cancer, inject disinfectants into your body to attack a virus, if you don't fight like hell you're not going to have a country anymore. Some of these claims will be born out of love. Others will be born out of fear, desperation, and selfishness. However, the best shot both you and the world have at emerging from all the challenges ahead is by willing to listen to each other’s perspectives and learning from experts. So, remain skeptical. Just be sure to be experimentally skeptical.
   
   
3. Love
   The journey between June 14, 2018 and June 14, 2021 is a windy one, but you won’t have to travel it alone. You will savor each new moment with Tonya, Anna Mae, and Lizzie. You will see a depth of kindness from people that you didn’t know cared. You will receive a helping hand from your doctor friends, work friends, soccer friends, and school friends. You will get hugs from white friends, brown friends, and black friends. You will receive prayers from your Republican friends, Democrat friends, rich friends, and poor friends. You will receive cards from Trump haters and Trump fanatics. You will become more grateful for what you have and more aware of the person you want to be. 
   
   You will also see a polarization that divides our country as we debate false choices, like whether to support the police or recognize that black lives matter; whether to wear a mask to protect the most vulnerable or to refuse to do so to protect our freedoms. But, through it all, love will propel you forward. Love for your girls and love for children everywhere. Love of those who look like you and those who don’t. Love for a more fair, inclusive world. Love for those who have embraced a diverse America and love for those who have lost sight of the source of “America’s greatness.”

I won’t share how the story ends. In part, because the story hasn't been fully written. However, I will tell you this: the story won’t feel fair. Those annoying pigeons in your gutter will continue to poop on your porch. They will even taunt you by sitting on your office window staring at you as if to remind you that they are still here. The bird experts in the family, Tonya’s parents, will tell you that the pigeons in your gutter are actually doves. That certainly feels warmer. (I don’t have pigeons staring at me. I have doves looking over me.) However, a quick Google search reveals there isn’t a scientific difference between a pigeon and a dove. Both belong to the same species of birds. Apparently, one man’s pigeon is another man’s dove. I’m still deciding if the feathery fellow is friend or foe.

But, the Serbian Spruces definitely didn’t deserve to die. They were only four years old and their quiet beauty draped the perimeter of our yard. I don’t just miss the tree they were. I feel cheated by not being able to watch them develop into the tree they would become. Why the bird lives and the tree dies is one of those mysteries of life. Intellectually, I know it’s not the bird’s fault. Emotionally, though, I stare at that stupid bird at times and think, you better be doing more with your life than just eating worms. 

But, enough about the birds. Focus on your family. Take one day at a time. Live each day to its fullest. Laugh. Learn. Love. And if you ever  connect with Brad from the future again, remind him how lucky he is and make sure he hasn't forgotten these essential ingredients of life. Tell him to not just remember those who have fallen, but to honor them by spreading the seeds of goodness for those around him and those still to come. 

Sincerely, 

2021 Brad