Choose to Be Kinder

George Saunders delivered the convocation speech at Syracuse University for the class of 2013. What advice does a bestselling American writer give to some of our nation’s best young minds about to enter the workforce? Try to be kinder. Below is an excerpt from his speech that was published here in the New York Times 6th Floor blog.

"What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness. Those moments when another human being was there, in front of me, suffering, and I responded…sensibly. Reservedly. Mildly. Or, to look at it from the other end of the telescope: Who, in your life, do you remember most fondly, with the most undeniable feelings of warmth? Those who were kindest to you, I bet. It’s a little facile, maybe, and certainly hard to implement, but I’d say, as a goal in life, you could do worse than: Try to be kinder."

As a parent, kindness is something I find myself endlessly trying to teach my kids. “Say ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’ Be tolerant and embrace the differences in others. Include others in your game. Shake an opponent’s hand after the soccer game. Lower your voice. Listen and learn from others.” Even as I correct their behavior, there are moments - like when my toe hits the wooden corner legs of our sofa or when Andrew Luck throws an interception - that words of kindness aren’t rolling off my tongue. I keep hoping for that day when I can put a checkmark next to the home learning objective: Be kind. But, no matter how many lessons that I give, I realize there is another lesson waiting.

Most people agree that kindness is important quality to teach our children, but do we put a premium on this trait like other attributes, like wealth or intelligence? I recently tested this by asking several people this question: “Would you rather be richer, smarter, or kinder?” What answer would you choose? Most of the people I asked did not choose kinder. It’s possible that my small sampling of people are heartless overachievers or have already reached the maximum limit of human kindness. Perhaps the sampling is not reflective of how most would answer, but I’m guessing most would not put kinder at the top. Being kinder just seems too subjective - just a little squishy. We live in a world with winners and losers, where we strive to find our “competitive advantage.” We recognize and reward hard work and sharp minds. Doesn’t the nice guys always finish last? And, really… Haven’t we reached a satisfactory level of kindness already? Is Saunder’s message of “try to be kinder” really a message that will appropriately guide recent college graduates?

If I’m honest with myself, even a few months ago, before my cat sores diagnosis, I would have picked “smarter” myself. After all, how great would it be to work on answers to questions that baffle most people like, “What is the best approach to solve world hunger?” or “What causes cancer and how can it be prevented and cured” or “How do you fold fitted sheets?” Or perhaps, greater intelligence would give me powers like Biff on Back to the Future 2 and give me clarity on how the stock market will do in the next year?

Even before my diagnosis, I often reflected on my life by thinking about people that I most admire or the tributes people have received at their funerals. When a former coworker and friend, John Finlay, passed away a few years ago, I was in awe of the outpouring of support, love, and fond memories shared about his life. Although I thought I knew John well, I quickly realized that I had such limited knowledge of the depth and width of his character and his reach. I always thought of John as a friendly tech that loved his family. But, after his death, I quickly learned he was so much more than that. I was able to hear stories of his deeds that range from him putting on puppet shows at his church to the simple way he greeted and welcomed strangers. Although John may not have been a wealthy man, everyone around him felt richer by his presence.

I also think about my mom, the kindest, most giving person that I know - a person that I respect more than just about anyone - even though she never attended college, grew up poor, and seemed to never desire accumulating wealth. I’ve never met anyone else that genuinely finds joy in cooking and cleaning for others. Even after recovering from a partial hip replacement, it’s typical to see her washing someone’s windows or cooking meals for others. My girls have just come to expect a fresh bowl of vegetable soup - or GGS as they call it, which stands for Grandma’s Great Soup - prepared specially for them every time they visit. She regularly visits nursing homes and just has a way of gravitating to those that are sick or in need. She doesn’t approach any of these as sacrifices or burdens. Serving others is her own personal hobby.

As I’ve come to terms with my diagnosis and hard realization all our time on this Earth is limited, I often think about what I regret most about the life that I’ve lived. And, I have to admit, Saunders captures my sentiments precisely: “What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness. Those moments when another human being was there, in front of me, suffering, and responded…sensibly. Reservedly. Mildly.”

My regrets are from actions that date back to middle school to moments just months ago. I am still haunted by getting up from a lunch table during middle school with a group of friends as another guy sat down beside us. I didn’t lead the betrayal and remember not wanting to do it, but I didn’t have the courage to break from the pack. I regret being rather selfish and self-centered (in hindsight) with a girl that I dated in college. I regret not spending more time and donating more to homeless shelters, hospitals, and nursing homes helping those in need. I regret not being more sensitive and supportive of other people’s suffering. I regret not being more vocal and active in supporting causes that will matter long after I’ve gone - like fighting poverty, advocating for quality education everywhere, championing equality of all people, and protecting the environment. To everyone I wronged and to everyone that has endured suffering while I stood silent, I truly am sorry. You deserve better.

I often think about where I’ve spent most of my time. And, the short answer is I’ve spent most of my time at work. I often justify the time that I spend working on weekends and evenings to myself because I believe the work that I am doing matters. I know the project I’m working on will benefit teachers, which will help students gain new knowledge, skills, and/or experiences that will ultimately give them a brighter future. But, through this persistence and dedication to bring a brighter future to our students, too often I lose sight of bringing a brighter day to the people in my life. And, when my time comes, I doubt few will stand up and talk about my technical skills or the projects that I completed. As George Saunders contends, the memories (good or bad) will be the way I have made people feel.

Kindness certainly consists of many small moments - saying “good morning” or “thank you,” listening sympathetically to a frustration, or making someone laugh when they most need it. But, being kind is also about doing what is right, even when it’s what’s not easy or popular. It’s about having the courage to disagree with others’ ideas when necessary, the compassion to defend and assist a person being ridiculed or someone in need, taking a stand and action on a cause that is important, and the confidence to believe that you can help. For a quality that is a little “squishy” to talk about, it’s rock hard to keep practicing.

To be clear, I don’t think financial wealth or intelligence are the enemies or even the competition for kindness. This isn’t a zero sum game where you must withdraw from your intelligence or wealth in order to deposit in the kindness column. However, I do think that the danger of more wealth and education/intelligence is that you can falsely start to tell yourself that these attributes somehow make you better than those with less. And, ultimately, it’s what you do with those blessings that makes all the difference. After all, wealth and intelligence are needed to help solve world hunger and cure cancer. I just would argue that in order to obtain such lofty visions - as well as most things in life that bring satisfaction - they must be rooted and guided first and foremost by kindness.

Try to be kinder.
As I reflect on others’ lives and then my own, I recognize that Saunder’s message wasn’t just good advice for college graduates, it’s good advice to me and all of us. We can all choose to be kinder.